Also, there is no local community here in Manila that I can enlist myself up for, where I can get emotional support from women who've had the same experiences. However, I do know that there are a number of women with the same problem and with that in mind, I would like to share the things I've gone through as a way to reach out, seek out for support and at the same time, offer my empathy to anyone who may find my story all too familiar.
The Never-ending Nightmare
It was barely three months after I got married when I found out that I was pregnant. The ecstasy I felt was overwhelming - my husband and I immediately started thinking about caring for our baby, taking him/her everywhere and just imagining the joy our baby will bring into our family was just almost too much for us to bear.
A few days after repeatedly taking home pregnancy tests, we went to our OB/GYN to have the pregnancy confirmed and yes, I was indeed five weeks and two days pregnant! I started telling my friends and family, completely unaware of the impending cloud of horror that was about to cast a shadow over our happiness.
My baby's heart stopped beating at around 6 weeks into gestation. I remember feeling hatred towards my OB/GYN, who was mechanically telling me that there is no hope and I should undergo dilation and curettage (D&C) or "raspa" immediately to avoid blood poisoning.
I remember thinking - was it only a few days ago that I found out I was about to become a mom? How can this be my reality, all of a sudden? I wanted to wring my doctor's neck to squeeze out an iota of empathy from her - I was angry, heartbroken and the least thing she could do was be a bit more sensitive to my situation.
Eventually, we did succumbed to the procedure - out of sheer despair of not wanting to prolong the agony and move on from this tragedy.
But the nightmare did not stop there. We went onto miscarried three more times within the span of two years: two D&C's and one natural. I remember the summer of 2014, a day before my birthday - we were in Taiwan, trying to enjoy the city when I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen.
I told Henry that I'd rest in the hotel, hoping against hope that the pain was not the pain of another loss. Within that same hour, I experienced the most excruciating pain with blood gushing out of me seemingly by the buckets. My only reprieve was the hot toilet seat in the hotel (Thank God for first world countries and their penchant for these things!), which soothe my aching muscles while making the process of birthing the failed pregnancy just a bit easier.
After much agony, I did passed all the pregnancy remains and somehow found energy to clean myself up, waited for Henry to come back and went to the nearest hospital to have myself properly checked out by a doctor.
The next day, we went out for cake and ice cream to celebrate my birthday and bid adieu to another baby lost.
Light and Hope
But the nightmare did not stop there. We went onto miscarried three more times within the span of two years: two D&C's and one natural. I remember the summer of 2014, a day before my birthday - we were in Taiwan, trying to enjoy the city when I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen.
I told Henry that I'd rest in the hotel, hoping against hope that the pain was not the pain of another loss. Within that same hour, I experienced the most excruciating pain with blood gushing out of me seemingly by the buckets. My only reprieve was the hot toilet seat in the hotel (Thank God for first world countries and their penchant for these things!), which soothe my aching muscles while making the process of birthing the failed pregnancy just a bit easier.
After much agony, I did passed all the pregnancy remains and somehow found energy to clean myself up, waited for Henry to come back and went to the nearest hospital to have myself properly checked out by a doctor.
The next day, we went out for cake and ice cream to celebrate my birthday and bid adieu to another baby lost.
Light and Hope
Last month marked my fourth miscarriage and I have to admit, every time I see a pregnant woman who's well into her final trimester, I feel a pang of envy and maybe even anger. Not necessarily towards her, but to the unfair situation I am in.
For this miscarriage, I underwent hysteroscopy with D&C - another fancy medical term that basically makes use of a tiny camera so, scraping of the pregnancy tissues are seen by the doctor, This is also a procedure that would check if there are abnormalities in my uterus (as if I need another piece of bad news).
My doctor was great and she has suggested a number of immunological blood tests in hope that we finally get the solution to our problem, which is something that we've looked into before with not much luck.
I am set to do another round of Reproductive Immunology Panel and a separate series of specific blood tests.
I am hoping that this time around, Henry and I will get the answers we've long been searching for.
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