Pregnant Again After Fourth Pregnancy Loss

I recently found out that  I am pregnant and unlike most women, the first emotion I felt was dread - a sweeping wave of dread.

Don't get wrong, but my initial reaction was mainly due to the fact that I've had four previous miscarriages and the memory of my most recent loss is still painfully fresh that it overshadowed the excitement that I should've felt when I the word "Pregnant" flashed on the Clearblue digital pregnancy test I used that fateful day.

Soon after I got over that stupid feeling, my maternal instinct kicked in and I realized that I do want this, I need this. I messaged my immunologist, who is managing my APS condition and sought her advice on what our next step is to boost my chances of keeping this pregnancy. So, a day after getting the BFP, I went to Asian Hospital to have an eight-hour session of Intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIG), which is made of purified plasma from hundreds of healthy donors. It is said to manage recurrent pregnancy losses of patients with autoimmune diseases.

I admit, the cost was very pricey but my husband and I have agreed (after our last miscarriage) that we will proceed with this treatment the next time I got knocked up.

The good news is two weeks after my infusion, I went in for an ultrasound and saw our little beanie's heartbeat! In five pregnancies (including this one), this was only the second time we've seen a heartbeat so, this was such a huge milestone for us!

However, we are still not in the clear. As my OB said, we need to get past 12 weeks before we can somehow relax. Hence, on top of the IVIG infusion, I also take anticoagulants like baby aspirin and Innohep jabs.

Random Musing

When I was younger, I remember sitting by the window inside my mother's room at the far end of our old home's second floor hall - daydreaming about the wonderful unknown my future holds. I was so sure that my life would be a happier version of my life then; I looked forward to the days when I would have finished school, start my career as a professional and help make my family's life become better.

I'd get butterflies in my stomach as colored images of me living my dreams pop inside my head. I remember I could easily waste away an entire afternoon just reveling on this wonderful feeling of anticipation that I am looking forward to something great.

Today, a full grown woman who has indeed, graduated and took on a respectable career, I look back to those young and innocent days when I still had the luxury to look forward to something with optimism; when time was not a constraint, not a weapon that can rear its ugly head against me.

I long for the times when I can see my dreams come alive in vibrant colors in my mind.

Lunch Hour Escape

I believe that you can never spoil yourself too much - that's why I indulge myself with certain pampering luxuries as often as possible, as much as possible.

I enjoy treating myself to deep-cleansing facials once a month, radio frequency treatments every fortnight along with mani/pedi (that I coincide with my husband's haircut schedule) and some other services that pique my interest.

I developed a chronic pain on my right shoulder while working on an early morning shift (5AM - 1PM) in 2011. I would inadvertently fall asleep on my desk on a wayward position that ultimately wrecked my back.

For this reason, I have to say that one of my favorite indulgences is a full body massage - I revel at the sensation of cracking those stress knots on my back, while rhythmically easing the tensed muscles by targeting pressure points on my body.

Today, I decided to spend my lunch hour in a spa located along San Agustin Street in Makati.

I judge a spa by its looks and how it smells like hence, the warm feel of the space with the soft scent of essential oils wafting through the air both ticked my yes boxes




The interiors of  Utopia Spa looks really cozy and the fact that its service menu has a list of reasonably-priced one-hour massages made me inexplicably giddy to start my session.

Here I am with a friend while waiting for our turn. We both signed up for the Deep Tissue massage. 

The nature-inspired theme extends all the way through the spa's massage rooms. Starting with a five-minute foot soak, I can say that I was thoroughly satisfied with way the therapist massaged me.

I am pointing this out because I usually get disappointed with some therapists for failing to give me the level of pressure that I want.

Plus, I love the pink kimono-inspired outfits they asked me to put on before starting the therapy. 

To close off my entry, I'd say that the experience was really nice. 

If I have to give a rating, Utopia Spa is four starts out of five. Definitely worth spending your lunch hour for,

Don't Fight The Sweat - Natural Deodorant Recipe

Recently, I've been slowly trying to make key changes in my lifestyle like work out more, cut back on alcohol and be smarter in choosing which products I should use. I admit that the urge to make myself healthier is I feel like I may be able to put a stop on my recurrent miscarriages by doing so.

In my quest to find answers, I came about this article that tells of a woman who've had repeated pregnancy losses and was able to get her rainbow baby when a UK-based wellness institute determined that she has low levels of zinc and high levels of copper and aluminum in her system! 

How I wish I can have myself checked out in the same institute, but alas, I'm based in Manila and going to London to pay Foresight - the Association For The Promotion of Preconceptual Care a quick visit is not really an option for me right now. 

Hence, I'm mostly approaching this with a DIY/Pinterest state of mind - that is, I'll find hacks and do everything on my own to actually decrease (with the aim of completely eliminating) these toxins from my body.

Natural Deodorant

Project Organic (I just came up with that corny title just now haha) begins with one of my hygiene staples - the deodorant. I started using antiperspirants at a very young age because just like the next person, I find body odors absolutely repulsive. I mostly judge people not by their attitude, their lifestyles or whatever, but by their smell. One whiff of "amoy labahan" or "baktol," and you are off my good side. 

Anyway, Google tells me that deodorants are incredibly toxic - leeching copious amount of aluminum compounds and other chemicals into our bodies just to keep our pits from sweating. Since sweating is our body's way of getting rid of toxins, blocking sweats with heavy metals like aluminum have been linked to cause breast cancer in women, prostate cancer in men and also elevate the risk of getting Alzheimer's. Damn, Rexona!

There are a lot of natural deodorant recipes all over the Internet however, I would like to share mine as the products used are locally sourced.

Trust me, this recipe works! However, it maybe worth noting that this is not an antiperspirant and that you may need to reapply within 5-6 hours after initial application, but with all the risks associated with the store-brought alternative, who cares?

You'll need the following: 

• 2 TBSP Coconut Oil - moisturizes the skin
• 1 TBSP Baking Soda - antibacterial
• 1 TBSP Cornstarch  - stabilizes the mixture
• 5 Drops of Tea Tree Oil - antibacterial/scent

Use roughly two tablespoons of baking soda and cornstarch (you can get these from your local supermarket), mixed with a couple of tablespoons of coconut oil (Cash and Carry) along with six drops tea tree oil (Healthy Options). 

Incorporate thoroughly until you get a smooth mixture like this:

I just used an empty Laneige jar to keep my natural deodorant. I find that it kind of solidifies depending on the room's temperature. You can keep it in fridge if you want to or add beeswax to further stabilize the mixture, but I don't really mind the runny consistency.

I've been using this for over a month now an I can say that it really does work! Plus, tea tree oil smells so good!

Repeated Miscarriages and The Persistent Fight To Become A Mom

I don't talk about my miscarriages because the stigma of  being judged as a woman with this kind of problem does not evade me. In fact, I can almost feel the sneer of these imaginary people as I type these words.

Also, there is no local community here in Manila that I can enlist myself up for, where I can get emotional support from women who've had the same experiences. However, I do know that there are a number of women with the same problem and with that in mind, I would like to share the things I've gone through as a way to reach out, seek out for support and at the same time, offer my empathy to anyone who may find my story all too familiar.

The Never-ending Nightmare

It was barely three months after I got married when I found out that I was pregnant. The ecstasy I felt was overwhelming - my husband and I immediately started thinking about caring for our baby, taking him/her everywhere and just imagining the joy our baby will bring into our family was just almost too much for us to bear.

A few days after repeatedly taking home pregnancy tests, we went to our OB/GYN to have the pregnancy confirmed and yes, I was indeed five weeks and two days pregnant! I started telling my friends and family, completely unaware of the impending cloud of horror that was about to cast a shadow over our happiness.

My baby's heart stopped beating at around 6 weeks into gestation. I remember feeling hatred towards my OB/GYN, who was mechanically telling me that there is no hope and I should undergo dilation and curettage (D&C) or "raspa" immediately to avoid blood poisoning. 

I remember thinking - was it only a few days ago that I found out I was about to become a mom? How can this be my reality, all of a sudden? I wanted to wring my doctor's neck to squeeze out an iota of empathy from her - I was angry, heartbroken  and the least thing she could do was be a bit more sensitive to my situation.

Eventually, we did succumbed to the procedure - out of sheer despair of not wanting to prolong the agony and move on from this tragedy.

But the nightmare did not stop there. We went onto miscarried three more times within the span of two years: two D&C's and one natural. I remember the summer of 2014, a day before my birthday - we were in Taiwan, trying to enjoy the city when I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen.

I told Henry that I'd rest in the hotel, hoping against hope that the pain was not the pain of another loss. Within that same hour, I experienced the most excruciating pain with blood gushing out of me seemingly by the buckets. My only reprieve was the hot toilet seat in the hotel (Thank God for first world countries and their penchant for these things!), which soothe my aching muscles while making the process of birthing the failed pregnancy just a bit easier.

After much agony, I did passed all the pregnancy remains and somehow found energy to clean myself up, waited for Henry to come back and went to the nearest hospital to have myself properly checked out by a doctor.

The next day, we went out for cake and ice cream to celebrate my birthday and bid adieu to another baby lost.

Light and Hope

Last month marked my fourth miscarriage and I have to admit, every time I see a pregnant woman who's well into her final trimester, I feel a pang of envy and maybe even anger. Not necessarily towards her, but to the unfair situation I am in.

For this miscarriage, I underwent hysteroscopy with D&C - another fancy medical term that basically makes use of a tiny camera so, scraping of the pregnancy tissues are seen by the doctor, This is also a procedure that would check if there are abnormalities in my uterus (as if I need another piece of bad news).

My doctor was great and she has suggested a number of immunological blood tests in hope that we finally get the solution to our problem, which is something that we've looked into before with not much luck.

I am set to do another round of Reproductive Immunology Panel and a separate series of specific blood tests.

I am hoping that this time around, Henry and I will get the answers we've long been searching for.

Getting My Groove, er Blog Back

A few days from now and it'll be exactly three years since I last updated this blog.

A lot of things have changed - I'm now married, I've gone through a couple of jobs and been through a heck lot over the last few years!

I can honestly say that I've missed writing so much and if I can only speak to the 2013 version of myself, I'd smack her head and tell her not to carelessly forget about the only creative outlet she has. 

I initially created this blog as inspired by the beauty gurus that proliferated the Internet, which includes Michelle Phan, Pixiwoo, etc. Hours of watching their videos made me think that I could be the next big thing in the makeup space and look how great that turned out to be. It did not turn out very well, to say the least. However, one thing I can say is that I had a lot of fun doing all those makeup posts. It was actually kind of therapeutic, you know?

Now that I've decided to restart my blog, I'm restructuring this space from being makeup-centered to something a little more diverse - tackling more topics like wellness, health, travel experiences and of course, makeup and other beauty-related stuff.

Pease follow me on Instagram, my handle name is annemargarethsy.

More updates soon!